I mean, it's the fucking Mormon Tabernacle Choir up in that bitch. I would crucify myself -- literally, drive in the nails, except for that one last hand, with which I feel I'd need a little help -- before dating anyone on this site. Match's search and browse capabilities are reasonably advanced, but the email system is all early-'90s AOL: no formatting, capricious paragraphing, and if you include your actual email address too early in the conversation (first or second email), Match's censors will edit it out and replace it with your email address. You can't use the word "fuck" in your profile, for example, or they'll reject the profile.
: Unsurprisingly, given that it was founded by a conservative Christian who for years claimed that his "special sauce" people-matching algorithm didn't work on LGBT people, e Harmony looks like the Facebook page of a member of one of those right-wing homophobic megachurches: squeaky-clean and creepy-religious. ) Jesus Christ (a frequent topic of many of the profiles), you can find pretty much any kind of person you're looking for on e Harmony, as long as you're looking for a devout Christian who probably handles snakes, speaks in tongues, has scheduled in GCalendar for next Thursday, "Rapture; dress light" and believes that premarital sex causes oh let's say Ebola or maybe incurable hiccups. ), and I get a free latte at Starbucks, a place I would rather have extremely hungry and sharp-toothed ferrets inserted forcibly into my anus than patronize.
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Maybe even if you're named something close, Stork or Stack, e.g. The one where I met the woman with histrionic personality disorder who broke my heart? So, herewith, my deeply personal -- by which I mean, as always, super-cranky -- take on dating sites. Jeez, leave a woman somewhere for the rest of us, Draper. : Plenty Of Fish is a wonderful dating site, if you hope to date fish. , all the kids on that one planet came out, bounced balls exactly the same way and went back in at exactly the same time? (Seriously, if I see one more profile in which the person describes him-/herself as a "glass-half-full kinda gal/guy", I will fill their glass with fuming nitric acid and shout "How you like your glass half-full now, huh? While, as noted, presenting as mind-numbingly dull, most of the people on Match are as crazy as several shithouses full of rats.
Hell, if your name is Stark on that show, you're probably toast. Because I'm deeply stupid.) And as I considered, it occurred to me that you, my many readers (okay, twelve) (eleven if Harry's still got that case of hysterical blindness), might benefit from my experience with these sites.
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• Before you delve into dating sites, know what you are looking for in a partner and in a relationship.
My last girlfriend and I broke up last September, and I spent a number of months drawing lessons from the experience, learning from mistakes and thinking deeply about the type of person with whom I might have a successful relationship. Apparently, it does have more marriages to its credit than any of the other sites, but given that these people won't fuck you you marry them, I'm guessing a good proportion of those represent 50-something virgins who have despaired of ever knowing the love of the opposite sex. Sometimes they'll reject the profile for no visible reason--you might have changed a comma, for example.
Also, I discovered and, well, let's just say that finding lifelong companionship does not in terms of interest compare to the doings in Westeros. "My ideal first date: a (non-alcoholic) drink, dinner at Chick-Fil-A, then right over to my pastor's for some of that hot Christian marrying. Oh, one more thing about the Match mail: it won't let you keep emails older than a month or so.
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